[초등첨삭 25탄] 내 아이 영어 Writing 실력은? > 초등영어 게시판

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[작문제목]

Imagine you are an archaeologist with unlimited money. Where would you choose to study and dig for artifacts? Why would you choose this place? What would you hope to find?

[학생작문]

I would choose to study and dig for artifacts in China, and Egypt. It's because in China, there are interesting places that I can find many things 1. in.Also, in Egypt, there 2. is 3. mystery 4. pyramid. 5. So I can find many beautiful artifacts.
6. First reason 7. is that, I will choose the great wall of 8. China. 9. It's because there is very famous place in China, and I think I can find many artifacts in there. Also, 10. maybe 11. there are full of many ancient 12. things 13. so I can find many amazing and wonderful things.
This wall was built 14. by kings of old 15. china to protect their country from northern people. The great wall is located in 16. china. Most people 17. called 18. ten thousand 19. li 20. wall 21. is not exactly ten thousand 22. li. 23. this is a false legend. 24. even if you add all the 25. side branches, the total length 26. is 27. only 28. 50006000km. One special thing about this wall is that, 29. the wall is more 30.frim on the east side. 31.and they 32.used 33.more harder materials towards 34.east side of the wall. I want to find wonderful 35.an ancient things in there.
Second reason is 36.that, I will go to 37.the pyramid in Egypt. It's because 38.there is the Egypt's pyramids are very famous 39.in all around the world. Also, Khufu's Pyramid 40.one of the Seven Wonders of the World. So, I want to find many ancient 41.Egypt's artifacts.
If I'm in Khufu's Pyramid, I would find 42.Egypt's many amazing artifacts. There would 43.many interesting things. Also, 44.there is very 45.mystery. I want to find 46.imprtant 47.thing too. It's because 48.that would be 49.a important 50.imformation 51.than any other things.
So, all of these reasons 52.are why I would choose to study and dig for artifacts in 53.China, and Egypt.

[첨삭내용]

Spelling/철자 30.frim : firm 46.imprtant : important 50.imformation : information,
Grammar_Articles(the, a or an)/관사 6. First : The first 14. by : by the 34.east : the east 35.an ancient : ancient 37.the : a 49.a important : important
Grammar_Prepositions(on, at, from, by, to.....)/전치사 39.in all : all
Grammar_Conjunction(and, but)/접속사 31.and they : They
Grammar_Capitalization/대소문자 15. china : China 16. china : China 23. this : This 24. even : Even
Grammar_Conjugation/동사변화활용
Grammar_Punctuation/부호사용 1. in.Also : in. Also 8. China. : China 12. things : things, 20. wall : Wall", 36.that, : that 47.thing : things, 53.China, : China
Essay Format_Sentence Structure/문장의 구성 7. is that, I : I 13. so : so that 18. ten : it the "Ten 21. is : although it is 25. side branches : sides 27. only : only be 28. 50006000km : 5,600 km 29. the wall : it 32.used : also used 38.there is the Egypt's : Egypt's 40.one : is one 42.Egypt's many : a lot of Egypt's 43.many : would also be other 44.there is very : I like
Essay Format_inappropriate Words/단어사용 적절성 2. is : are 3. mystery : mysterious 4. pyramid : pyramids 5. So : Therefore, 9. It's : is 10. maybe : perhaps 11. there : they 17. called : call 19. li : mile 22. li : miles 26. is : would 33.more harder : hard 41.Egypt's : Egyptian 45.mystery : mysteries 48.that : those 51.than : above 52.are : justify

[강사 Comments]

Wow, now that was a very informative essay. I only know a handful of people who want this kind of thing -- being an archaeologist. It involves a lot of digging and a lot of study. On your essay, you had pretty good ideas there. However, you lacked a couple of parts on your essay, particularly essay parts. On your sentences, you did also did quite well, just be careful on capitalization and punctuation, okay? Avoid using conjunctions like "and" and "but" on the beginning of your sentences. Don't get careless on spelling, too. It might confuse your readers if you neglect them. Practice more! I know you'll be better soon, for you're in the right track! Good luck!

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